Red Hefty Cups Lead to Drunken Adventures
by Remnants of a Shattered Memory
Summary: Tobi and Hidan fight over red solo cups and red hefty cups at a party, distraught Tobi makes a list of things to do at a Wal-mart in his free time and drags others in. Now in a competition of who can finish their list first, it's a Hefty Cup Free For All


**Okay, so we all know the song by Toby Keith "RED SOLO CUP" right? Well, me and my family were talking and we were talking and singing it, but we realized we didn't have red SOLO cups, we had red HEFTY cups, so I made an unofficial parody of the song. **

**Well, I got to thinking, what would happen if the Naruto characters, (Akatsuki, Team Seven, Team Taka, and some others) got in on the action.? And I happened to come up with a very funny solution. Pandemonium.**

**Any who, I don't own Hefty Cups, Red Solo Cup by Tobi Keith, Red Solo Cups, or Naruto characters, that is for their respective owners to have, this is just what would happen if they all got into a room together and partied. **

**Also remember that although everyone will have their current jobs, Head Medic, Former Criminal Leader, Florist, Puppet Maker, ect. They are all in modern Konoha, which means that they are all adults, and can drive and can easily access a walmart to get thrown out of.**

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><p>Tobi, danced around the Akatsuki house in Konoha, his little orange mask shining brightly as he sang. "Red Solo Cup, I fill you up~" dancing around, he set his stack of red solo cups on the buffet tables with a contented sigh. "Tobi loves you, red solo cups!" He exclaimed, his arms flapping in the air.<p>

His right hand his something hard with a loud smack, retracting the limb quickly, he cradled the appendage to his chest and nursed before slowly turning around to see what exactly his hand had hit. Just his luck, Hidan stood there, rubbing a red bump on his cheek, glaring at the masked man child with all of the wrath of Jashin.

"What the fucking hell you tart!" He yelled, rubbing his abused cheek. No doubt it stung like a bitch. Hidan voiced this.

Tobi is sooo sorry, Hidan-san! Tobi didn't mean to hit Hidan-san! Please forgive TOBI!" He wailed, dropping down onto his knees with a waterfall of tears running out of the circle eye hole carved into his mask.

Hidan growled, "What the fuck ever, you fucking hit me again you little shit, and I'll fucking disembowel you!" He growled, "And those," He pointed to said red cups that was the source of his pain, "ain't those fucking red solo cups!"

Tobi blinked, "Nani? Tobi doesn't get it… Kakuzu-san said they were like the cups for RED SOLO CUP!" He flailed his arms dramatically towards said stack of cups. "They have to be the RED SOLO CUPS!"

Hidan cursed under his breath. "That bastard said those fucking cups were LIKE the fucking red solo cups, not that they were the actual shitty thing! They're fucking RED HEFTY CUPS!" He yelled at the man.

Naruto, who had been invited in the house with Sakura, happened to pass by and looked between them, "Yeah, man, Red Hefty cups are way better than Red SOLO cups, just 'cuz their in a song doesn't mean shit." He added and then walked off with said cup in his hand.

Tobi continued to wail and soon everyone arrived. Sasuke, Karin, Suigetsu, Juugo, Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Kakashi, Yamato, Hinata, Neji, Tenten, Gai, Ino, Deidara, Tobi, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Pein, and Konan were all cramped into their somewhat spacious living room. Beer flowing.

Sakura sat on the couch next to Sasori, drawing diagrams of human bodies and their relation to puppets, those two could hold their liquor. Konan and Ino were talking about how much it sucked being constantly swimming the leftover testosterone of all the males, Pein sat next to Konan, keeping quiet and just letting the girl's conversation fill the void he created. Deidara and Suigetsu were having an eating contest, only to soon be joined by Naruto. Juugo, Sai, and Kakuzu sat on the sidelines making bets and wagers on who would win said eating contest. Kakashi, Gai, Kisame, and Hidan were playing beer pong, Yamato was refereeing. Hinata, Neji, Sasuke, and Itachi talked clan politics while leaning against the back of the couch where Sakura and Sasori sat. Karin sat on the far end of the couch, blushing over Sasuke, Tenten was standing next to Kisame, talking about weaponry with the occasional comment from Suigetsu and Tobi… Tobi was no where to be seen, and neither were the rest of the red hefty cups.

Sakura sighed as she and Sasori got done with their discussion and integrated themselves into the four behind them's conversation. Sakura cocked an eyebrow. "How can you stand being in a clan Hinata-chan?" She asked, leaning her chin on interlaced fingers, reminiscent of her mentor.

Said girl sighed, "I have no idea sometimes, Father's so harsh. But, he's getting old, and I'm the next in line, although I am thinking of turning over the title to Neji or Hanabi and maybe settling down myself."

Sakura sighed, "I would hate that, I rebel when my mom tells me to consider dropping my occupation as Deputy Head Medic at the Hospital, I can't imagine the extremities I would go to if someone demanded I stop my work."

Neji cocked a brow, "Oh I don't think it's all that hard to imagine what lengths you would go to." He stated wryly, scoffing.

Sasori looked at him, "How so." He asked.

Sakura gave Neji a warning look, but the coffee haired man shook it off. "I believe she's once smashed Kakashi through twenty or so trees and a brick wall when he said he thought she was a workaholic."

Sakura gave an unlady-like snort, "It was _two _brick walls, mind you."

Neji gave her a dry look, "Oh yes, how could I forget, the second one was Hiashi's bedroom wall… He still thinks you're barbaric."

"And I could cared less about what that man thinks of me." Sakura said, "I don't care if he's king of the world, the opinion of those with spiky metal poles shoved up their asses so far it tickles their brain is no concern to me."

Hinata paled, "That's rather morbid, Sakura-san, and rather unpleasant sounding."

"Well then he should pull it out, huh, lest his ego gain some discomfort from how far said pole has gotten." She stated, downing another cup-full of sake.

Sasuke and Itachi let out noncommittal 'hns' and Sasori snorted at his counterpart. Sakura downed yet another cup and sighed in contentment. Sasori sighed, "Maybe you should be the one playing beer pong, you'd be winning."

"HAHAHAHA! DRINK UP SUSHI BITCH!" Hidan laughed, causing Kisame to take the ping pong ball out of the cup and down the cup of beer before setting it down and steadying himself. It was pretty much down to this, all of the players, including the referee were hammered as hell, it was just a matter of who got to the point of puking or passing out first; even both if they could manage it.

"MAAAAAAAAAAn…." Kisame drawled drunkenly, "Shut tha fucka up. Yoooo" He staggered, "Mother fucker…." He grabbed his ping pong paddle. "Gimme yuuuur best shot ya albino bastuuuurd!" He challenged.

Gai let out a laugh, a flush darkening his cheeks as he twirled. Green pompoms appeared, "Goooooo Kisa-chyaaaaaan~!" He cheered, attempting a pirouette, but unfortunately hit Kisame as he was about to hit the ball and sent them both stumbling towards the devil… Sakura.

They screamed in horror as they hit her, but she didn't even move a step. "Eh?" She asked, turning around. "BAKAS!" She then promptly punted them across the living space and back towards the ping pong table before returning to her seat with Sasori and finishing up her drinks.

Kakashi let out a giggle, "I think we wiiiin Hiddddaaaaa-chayan!" He squealed, "SILVERS RULLLE! AND THE WEIIIIRRRRRDOOOOOS DROOOOL!" He yelled, twirling successfully. Hidan let out a giggle as well, before promptly tipping back wards and passing out. Kakashi then quickly shoved his mask down and barfed in his pong cup before hurriedly pulling his mask up and walking away. Kakashi let out a drunken woop and a yell of "I WOOOOOOOON!" Before he stumbled over to sit in a recliner

Not far from where Gai and Kisame landed, passed out. Kakuzu looked outraged at Sai's fake, drunken smile at the fact the emotionless drunk man just won 5,000,000 yen from him. He paid the man and stumbled off to go collect some of his money.

Tobi ran in a little bit later on (when everyone's chakra made them sober) and he grinned, "Hey guys! Tobi found this list on line and it has all these things to get kicked out of a walmart! Tobi made a team to go in and stuff that person has to do!" He grabbed his hefty cup stash and eleven papers, passing one out to each of the people (Sakura, Sasori, Suigetsu, Ino, Sasuke, Naruto, Itachi, Neji, Hidan, and Kakuzu.) and kept two for himself.

* * *

><p>Sakura and the others finally managed to get to a Wal-Mart, bickering and driving aside. It was 5 o'clock in the afternoon, everyone was there. Sakura looked downright depressed, Naruto excited, Ino displeased with stepping foot in any store that wasn't designer or anything but a walmart or Sam's Club. Sasuke, Sasori, Itachi, and Neji were all bored. Suigetsu was sulking with Sakura and Tobi bounced around, being the source of Hidan and Kakuzu's annoyance.<p>

Ino, commanding as always, took charge, "Okay, we're gonna get this done quick because I want to go home, so if anyone has anything to say but complete and total agreement they better shut the fuck up cuz I don't want to hear it." She gave them a look that caused them to freeze. "The teams are going to be me, Tobi, Kakuzu, Naruto, and Suigetsu. Sakura, Sasori, Sasuke, Neji, Hidan, and Itachi make up the second team, we are going to go in, get this done and the team to get done last has to do something unspeakable, understood?"

Sakura and Suigetsu groaned.

* * *

><p>Sakura sighed and looked back at the group, getting nods, Gods why did she have to do this? She sighed and looked around for a couple. Spotting one halfway down the aisle, she ran down towards the man, grabbing him by the shoulders and twisting him around, her manicured nails leaving lines on his face as her hand connected with a resounding SLAP.<p>

"YOU COMPLETE UTTER BASTARD!" She screeched, backhanding him, "I thought what we had was special! HOW DARE YOU!" She kneed him in the groin and walked away swiftly her heals clicking against the ground as her pencil skirt looked darker than black in the dim lighting and her white lab coat gray.

"Honey… what was that all about?" the woman asked.

"Honestly, mom, I have no idea… I've never seen that woman in my life."

Right as Ino made sure no one, Sakura was just exiting one of them, was in the aisles, she ran at them and knocked them down, before running through the other group screaming "EARTHQUAKE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!"

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><p>Kakuzu glared, this sucked, he took his whip and cracked it at the price signs, his mascot smiley face grinning, "ROLLBACKS! ROLLBACKS!" Everyone walked by, finally when some lady and her many toddlers walked by, he screamed, "YOU FUCKERS BETTER LISTEN TO ME!" The lady stopped, surprise marring her features. <em>"<em>I SAID! ROOLLLLBAACKSS!" He drawled loudly. "GET IT SHIT HEADS? GO BY SOME SHIT!"

Some where far away, Ino smacked her head in exhasperation.

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>We have the lowest prices in Japan, you can shop smart, or K-mart SMART. In K-mart we have all the things walmart does plus more at prices that beat out even HEB and Krogers, Walmart's no exception! Come stop by. Now a message from KMART:"<strong>_

Everyone stared as an albino man stripped off his shirt and dropped to his knees "JASHIN HAS SPOKEN!" He started crying tears of joy as he prayed, looking straight up at an intercom speaker.

"_**- Tinkle tinkle little star, in the toilet that's really far, It's weird to learn that pee does fly, make sure it does never land, in my my my my my my hand!"**_

* * *

><p><span>A little while later - <span>

"**Attention shoppers, I'm sorry to say, but the world is about to start ending, however, I would like to inform you there's a sale on aisle two." **Kakuzu's voice stated over the intercom. Attention was once again drawn to someone (TOBI) who dropped to the ground and was sobbing hysterically and rocking back and forth psychopathically. As soon as the blip ended, Tobi stood up and went back to piling breakfast food in his cart.

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><p>Suigetsu looked the fish as someone walked by and stroked the tank, "It's okay," He said, "I understand how you feel." The man looked at Suigetsu like he was crazy, and then went back to walking only to here a slight splash and then a hair raising scream.<p>

He turned around…

To see Suigetsu screaming in a little puddle of water. "OH MY GOD! THE STORE'S GONNA FLOOD! SHIT! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M TOOO YOUNG! WAHHHHH!" He looked around at the fish. "SHITT! I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS AISLE AND TO DRYER LAND OR IT'LL BE LIKE THAT TITANIC MOVIE WITH LEONARDO DECRAPIO!" Suigetsu ran off…

The man resumed his shopping… _Did he say Decaprio…? I could've sworn he said Decrapio."_

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><p>Hidan growled as he waited on the line at the cash register to move, he could feel the anxious eyes of his team on his back. Tucked underneath his arm, held tightly in his grasp was his precious cargo. The whole mission counted on it…<p>

A box of PAMPERS pull up diapers.

This _sucked shitty monkey ass._

He finally got up to the lady and as she grabbed it, he yelled out, making sure everyone could here him. "HEY MOMMY," The woman was startled. "GUESS WHAT?" He looked completely serious, "I'm a big boy now," rang through the silence like the shot of a gun. Other customers had to keep their laughing to a minimum as the woman flushed.

Immediately the man behind Hidan had a poke ball thrown at him and a deep voice yelled, "PIKACHU I CHOOSE YOU!" Hidan turned to see _Itachi _looking completely serious before he took out a pack of yugioh cards and looked at the man, "Would you like to d-d-d-d-d-duel?"

Sasuke then came riding by, a bat man costume on yelling "COME ROBIN! TO THE BAT MOBILE!" on a batman bike with Sakura on the back dressed as Robin.

She yelled, "YES BATMAN! LET'S HEAD TO THE BATMOBILE! AWAYYYYY!"

They turned into the second aisle of the toy section and ran through a GI JOE versus The X Men battle field that Naruto had painstakingly created, causing him to become white faced and cry hysterically.

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><p>Neji walked into the men's restroom hurriedly, waited for someone to enter the stall next to his and immediately started making noises of constipation. He made it sound like he was really pushing and, standing up, he dropped the cantaloupe into the toilet, letting out sighs of relief before smearing chocolate, from the chocolate bar in his pocket, all over his hand.<p>

Reaching under the stall he asked the man, "Can I borrow some toilet paper?" He felt the toilet paper being shakily put into his hands before a weird grunt and a thump. Looking under, he saw the man passed out on the toilet, folded between his legs.

Sighing, Neji whipped his hand of chocolate and flushed the toilet….

* * *

><p>Sakura and the others watched as Neji hurriedly left the bathroom, a well placed expression on his face. He pulled her along, the other followed. Upon inquiry, he cracked.<p>

"There's cantaloupe stopping up a toilet, flooding the bathroom, a toilet roll covered in chocolate, and a man passed out in the stall next to the one that's flooding, now keep walking, we know nothing of this" He muttered hurriedly, watching as water spread into the actual store.

The other's held back their laughs, and it only got harder as Ino began doing her own talk show over the radio, intercom microphone in hand as she interviewer random people. Sasori looked at his list and walked around aimlessly, when Ino ran up, he stared at an old person and said, "I see dead people…" Awe in his voice.

Itachi then threw on a trench coat, walking over to some poor frazzled soccer mom, he promptly stated, "THE ROOSTER IS IN THE NEST" In a stage whisper. The poor woman looked over.

"What do you mean?" She asked, "Are you crazy."

She was cut off as Itachi walked up to her, handing her a Cap Gun, "Use it wisely." He whispered in her ear. He was gone by the time she recovered. She was even more confused as roaring, hysteria-filled laughter filled the stored, apparently Sakura hadn't been able to take, and neither had Hidan.

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><p>Ino's group lost. Ino's talk show had to run for five minutes, and they were two minutes behind Sakura's group.<p>

They now stood in front of everybody, friends, co-workers, associates, with Red Hefty cups in their hands. Looking around uncertainly, they could feel the music playing.

Tobi clapped and they all started singing:

"_**Now a red hefty cup ain't no solo cup**_

_**It's for more than just parties and throwin up**_

_**And you men don't have a pair**_

_**What with that beer bottle that you all share**_

_**A red hefty cup is bright and expendable **_

_**Unlike solo cups, they aren't indispensable.**_

_**And they certainly aren't decomposable **_

_**For at least twenty more years**_

_**Red Hefty cup**_

_**Solo you suck**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**I love you red hefty cup**_

_**When offered you, I say "YUP"**_

_**Proceed the drinking**_

_**Proceed the drinking**_

_**But I have to admit, they're all rather smitten**_

_**With at how sharply my name is written**_

_**On you with an Expo when I start hittin'**_

_**All the men who dared called me 'kitten'**_

_**Red hefty cup**_

_**Solo you suck**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**I love you red hefty cup**_

_**When offered you, I say "YUP"**_

_**Proceed the smashing**_

_**Proceed the smashing**_

_**Now I've seen you in green and I've seen you in white**_

_**But only the red really makes you look bright**_

_**You are the 5 o'clock shadow to my morning light**_

_**And you are my frank and beans**_

_**Red hefty cup, your more than just plastic**_

_**And I'm not being the least bit sarcastic**_

_**You're more than righteous and certainly fantastic**_

_**When I look at you and say:**_

"_**Red hefty cup, **__**you're not just a red solo cup, and my friend, (Best friend?) Yeah, thanks for being my best friend.**_

_**Red hefty cup**_

_**Solo you suck**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**I love you red hefty cup**_

_**When offered you, I say "YUP"**_

_**Proceed the puking**_

_**Proceed the puking**_

_**Red hefty cup**_

_**Solo you suck**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**I love you red hefty cup**_

_**When offered you, I say "YUP"**_

_**Proceed the fainting**_

_**Proceed the fainting**_

_**Red hefty cup**_

_**Solo you suck**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**I love you red hefty cup**_

_**When offered you, I say "YUP"**_

_**Proceed the crashing**_

_**Proceed the crashing**_

_**Red hefty cup**_

_**Solo you suck**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**Let's crash a party**_

_**I love you red hefty cup**_

_**When offered you, I say "YUP"**_

_**Proceed the party**_

_**Proceed the party**_

_**Now you see why I like ya so much**_

_**Seein as you're 10 times a better than a red SOLO cup**_

_**You're there in sickness and in health**_

_**Even when I'm at height of my wealth**_

_**And I know you always be there for me**_

_**Even when I'm poorer than dirt**_

_**And senile as can be **_

_**And still just as much of a flirt.**_

_**Red Hefty cups are like angels **_

_**And Red Solo cups suck **_

_**You can wear them like bangles **_

_**Or use em to drink lots of beer up"**_

* * *

><p>Everybody cheered and drank beer and got drunk and here are the results.<p>

Tenten and Neji broke up

Sakura and Sasori started going out.

Ino and Neji started going out.

Hidan and Kakuzu hate each other more than ever.

Suigetsu enjoys his freedom from a fish tank.

Kisame and Gai form a rivalry

Kakashi wakes up with Anko

Konan tells Pein she likes him

Hinata and Itachi formed a relationship

Karin asked Sasuke out, Sasuke declined,

Sasuke and Tenten started going out.

Deidara found the pictures from the escapade

Tobi was happy.

* * *

><p>And they all had the craziest funniest drunkest best Christmas ever with lots of mistletoe action and none can deny that they would do it again every year.<p>

6 months later they all finally got over their hangovers.

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><p><em><strong>END<strong>_

**Thank you all for reading I truly enjoyed writing this fic in the spirit of the holiday season and I hope you all enjoyed it. I was literally in tears as I wrote this. I have to admit, those lists have some really good stuff. Can't you totally imagining this happening at a local walmart near you?**

**Any who, a Christmas gift from me to you, and hopefully, next Christmas, I'll have some fanart of this escapade up and y'all can look at that. Anyway, we wish you happy holidays~**


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